Water I have left to tread

Have you ever made a boat out of cardboard and duct tape? Me either, but I certainly saw a lot of those this past weekend in Chicago for Jason and Lisa's engagement party. It was on a cardboard boat in the middle of the Glen Elynn community lake. Who would have thought it would hold up forty people? I was shocked.

O.k., I am full of sh*t but I did watch some cardboard boat races this weekend. It was pretty entertaining. The basic premise is to be the fastest boat in your group to make it around a charted course on the lake. Most exciting was the designs of the boats, such as a Trojan horse, guitar, the closet from "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe", and a paddle boat. I'd like to enter someday, with my lovely Lisa, that is.

Now onto the point of this blog: Friday night was rough for my self-esteem. It's weird being in-between jobs/life decisions and to see your good friends becoming so established in their lives while you feel so lost. It feels strange to write this in a semi-public place (because I know there are TONS of people reading this) but it helps me to get these feelings out there. Why do I feel jealous? I am in no position to be where they are (let's face it, unemployment is not very glamours, nor does it pay well), and I'm working on a new relationship (and I'm liking the way things are progressing), so why should I desire what others have? Maybe it's the allure of the unknown, that she is in water I have yet to tread. The whole prospect seems so overwhelming when I get to the bottom of it, but the surface seems so calm and opening.

I cried. Not the "I am crying because I can't help it" type, of which I am so experienced, but the "I'm feeling really depressed" type of cry that I have only truly felt a couple of times in my life. The funny thing is all I needed was the cry and a little bit of paper-blogging and I was all better. The reality of it is I'm not depressed at all. I am making fantastic changes in my life, changes that I can't wait to put into effect (one week!!!), and changes about what I aspire to become. It's exciting, and when I think about it, there is no other place I'd rather be. Not FzioMed, not SLO, not w/ JK, but on my own, discovering again what my purpose in being is, and making it happen. I don't need what Lisa has right now. Eventually, yes, but I need to live my dreams to the fullest before I dive head-first in her direction.

Congrats to Lisa and Jason. Watching the two of them interact makes me excited to be such a close participant in their lives. I again have hope in the meaning of relationships, have faith that love can conquer all, and that everything is going to be just fine, at worst :)